1. Once a player has hit an errant shot he or she will longer be required to give the call of "FORE". The player may, however, call a "GORE" instead, but only after the ball has been aloft for three consecutive seconds. The call of "GORE" shall put the other players on notice of an upcoming protest or contest. This notice shall also extend to the other players' attorneys, press agents, spokespersons, spin doctors, investigators, and anyone else acting on their behalf.
2. If a GORE is called within the proper time frame set forth in paragraph 1 above, this shall be deemed a "protest". Accordingly, the player shall then be afforded the opportunity to place a new ball in the same spot and hit it again. A player may protest as many times as he or she likes (the "Chicago Rule") or until they are satisfied that the ball is going in the direction and manner that they originally intended it to be going in the first place (the "Palm Beach Rule").
3. Should a dispute arise as to whether or not the player had properly called a GORE or whether a call was within the statutory time alotted (based upon a hand count of three), the matter may be submitted to the Circuit Court for a factual determination (the "contest"). Should the player not agree with the outcome of the contest, the disinfranchised player may then proceed, by golf cart, to the Supreme Court, who, absent legislative action, shall be the final arbiter of the matter.
4. If a protest determines that a GORE has been called in time, the elapsed time for play shall be extended by as much time as needed by the disinfranchised player or until he or she can claim the hole, but in no event past any statutory deadline (the "Florida Rule").
5. If faced with a difficult lie, it is recommended that a protest be called anyway. The disinfranchised player shall be afforded the opportunity to whine for a period not less than the completion of the game or, if cameras are present, until the Rev. Jesse Jackson appears on scene (the "Dayum! A Camera, I'm There! Rule").
6. A player may "concede" the game at any time. However, players are cautioned in advance, not conceding and instead filing a protest or contest may earn the player such legendary nicknames as "sore" or "loserman".
* For entertainment purposes only.
* A test of these new rules were recently played out at the exclusive DNC Country Club. The first hole only took five weeks to complete. Although this executive order has caused certain PGA officials in the affected region some discourse, the proponents say it is only fair.